the gma awards are pretty spectacular. there are people like william baldwin there and chynna philips. these people usually present awards, or receive awards, because they are particularly awesome, and i think it’s pretty neat. i mean, once i received an award from brazilian soccer player pele and another time i received an award from one, bible man. both moments are memorable, and this is why they do this -– have awesome people present awards or announce categories.
and so, i’m sitting there, on the front row, in a mauvish jacket, and this girl is standing there in front of me and she is about to make an announcement regarding the next category that an award will be given for particular awesomeness and i have the vague assumption that she is awesome because she is announcing this particular category and all, but i’m not paying particularly close attention. you see, i’ve been staring at my phone for most of the awards ceremony because we have web-cams in our studio and i am not there, since, obviously, i am many miles away at the aforementioned awards ceremony, and i'm watching some good friends of ours playing and singing in our studio and i am terribly distraught that i am not there while they are playing and singing because this is infinitely more awesome (these individuals whom i admire, playing and singing on our recording) than the awesome announcer standing before me announcing the next category of awards. apparently i should have been paying more attention to what was happening in my immediate, physical, surroundings as opposed to being attentive to the goings on of the world wide web.
i vaguely recall hearing the words, “miss america” (seriously, that’s what i thought i heard. it turns out the words were actually “miss usa” and also there was a “1st runner-up” preceding them.) and then there was applause. this was to be expected. typically when people who are awesome are announced there is applause. and so i clapped. the applause continued. i was slightly confused because it passed the duration of typical applause-for-awesomeness length and then it began to swell in volume and so i started looking around. people were beginning to stand up while applauding. i was confused. it’s always difficult to know when it is appropriate to stand while clapping on the front row. if you stand too early you seem over eager. if you stand too late you seem aloof and callused to the moment. so i paid attention. to stand or not stand while clapping for miss america? also, there is the complication that she is exactly one foot in front of me. i decide to watch my good friend, william baldwin. he is standing. i should stand. and so i stand. it then becomes abundantly clear that i am standing exactly one foot from miss america and i have extended my hands to clap. my hands are located right in front of her face which makes them exactly two inches from her nose. she is turning around toward the audience and she is pageant waving, no lie, she is pageant waving. this is awesome. the thought crosses my mind, "wow, she has a great pageant wave!" and then i realize i am clapping my hands, exuberantly, two inches in front of her nose. she sort of ducks back. i, also, sort of duck back and immediately decide to sit back down since i have almost clapped miss america’s nose off and the thought occurs to me that she is probably pretty hacked off about me almost ruining her face and such. and so i sit. and this is when my wife grabs my arm and says, “do you even know why everyone is clapping?” to which i respond, “yeah, it’s miss america and that’s pretty awesome.” to which my wife covers her eyes and states, “this will totally be on cnn tomorrow.” and she was right!
that was last night. this evening, we were sitting in tgi fridays in the dfw airport when i received a text message from a friend informing me that “i” was on the front page of tmz.com. one hour later i received another text message from a different friend informing me that they thought they just saw me on cnn. they had. awkwardly clapping. that was me.
and so it is, with no foresight or thoughtfulness, i have become a politically polarizing artist.