We know it was none of those things because we have found the true answer first hand. It was touring. Specifically, touring while under the weather. We are currently under an attack that no army could withstand, for it knows no resistance, no boundaries. It laughs in the face of diplomatic resolutions while planning a full onslaught when we are at our most vulnerable.
Ohhh, we lament the common cold, and everything it brings to the table: the stuffy nose that still manages to run (truly one of the great marvels of our time), the rattley chest that sounds like an old beater car with a bad muffler, the voice that refuses to work, the sore throat (dear Lord, the sore throat…). The list of woes goes on and on and on and on…
We try to combat this foe, but to no avail. The counter in our bus no longer serves as a place to store food and other items, but rather has taken on a remarkable likeness to a drug store. Cough syrups in all shades of the rainbow, bottles of cold remedies and pain relievers which are hardly better than placebos.
Surely this sickness has a personality. We picture it having a smart-alec sneer not unlike a “Cradle of Love” era Billy Idol, a leather biker jacket with studs and a chain wallet. Hair in a Mohawk (or if said virus is more classically minded, a nicely sculpted pompadour). He cares not for our well-being! He sneaks out of his hole while we sleep and parades through the hall of the bus, poking his head into our bunks in search of his next victim. Who will it be this time? What over-the-counter drugs will they throw at him in a futile attempt at getting better? No one is safe!
This must be how Elvis got started. Gaze upon the bus (as a sick ward). Gaze upon the lead singer (who can barely talk well enough to ask for more snack cakes). Feast your eyes upon the bunk-ridden musicians (or are they just playing video games?).
But wait… out of the dark, the mailbox. What is this but the ultimate weapon! The fear of every virus! The bane of all cold bugs! THE Z-PACK!!! Five days of medication, because five days is all you need! Take one down, pass it around; we have a rock and roll tour to do! The virus cowers, his nuevo-punk posturing not half as intimidating as before. Normal medications are one thing, but this? Who brought this to the table? Is it legal? Dear virus, we say, all is fair in love and war. We love the Z-Pack; we are at war with you, lovely nemesis. Ye shall live and die by this antibiotic. We hope you had a good run. Until we meet again.
If only the King had been privy to this technology. If only Cash had known. Let us rock with their memory in our hearts. Let's give our love to modern science. Let's get this tour back on the road.